


To live, To love

by NotMarie



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Love is kind, M/M, love is patient, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 12:25:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9820496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotMarie/pseuds/NotMarie
Summary: Kwon Soonyoung stood there in all his beauty. The man stood in front of a vending machine, staring at the can of coffee in his hand. He didn't have the same blond hair before, but he isn't one bit uglier than Jihoon remembered. This beautiful sight was slowly taking his breath away, it triggered his anxiety, but Jihoon have always wanted to die; he always wanted to die, so maybe slowly killing himself by looking at the only man he loved isn't a bad idea.





	

Jihoon stood in front of their old school. He entered the school with his heart pounding out of his chest. He walks in front of the gym and sees a familiar face. Just like that, his breath was taken away.

Not the kind of breathlessness that made him feel all rainbows and butterflies, one that made him feel happy and all giddy; no, it wasn't like that. It was more of something that slowly snatched his breath away until his life vanished as well. It was painful, the beautiful sight of the man caused too much pain for his fragile heart.

 

 

Young Jihoon wished to die more than he wished to survive. He was too smart for his age, and he knew better than to waste his energy with arguments and senseless debates. Everywhere he went, a dark cloud followed him.

Young Jihoon excelled in school, but there are times when all his reasoning and good judgements were clouded because of his emotions. He has been living a tough life, and at one point, he did attempted to just end everything. He stood by the ledge of their physics department's rooftop, wind blowing against his face.

Young Jihoon did want to die, but he hasn't lost it completely; he hasn't lost his judgements completely, not yet. He wanted to die, but he knew better than to test the principles of free fall on his small body by jumping from the top of their physics building.

Among all the things this young Jihoon hated, he hated people who interfered with the time he spent to himself. He hated it more that ironies, more than exaggerations, more than his sense of self-depreciation. He hated it so much to the point of almost landing a punch on the man who shouted and told him to not jump.

He hated people who interfered with his quality time with himself, but instead of punching the man, his voice resonated in his head. Jihoon's butt fell on the ground, his hand gripped on the part of his shirt atop his chest. He clutched it like his life depended on it.

Among all the things this young Jihoon feared, screams and shouts scare him most. It scares him so much, it triggered his anxiety.

The sight of this young Jihoon as he sat on the ground and breathed unevenly alarmed the man who tried to save his life, oblivious to the fact that he could've actually killed Jihoon with his exaggerated screams. He panics and ran to Jihoon's side, holding his hand for comfort as he rubbed circles on its back. The man made Jihoon face him with his other hand and spoke.

"Breathe, c'mon. Do heavy breaths, do it with me."

And the noises in his head was silenced, all he could hear was voice of the man in front of him as he said inhale and exhale repeatedly as the man did what he said. As soon as Jihoon felt better, he eyes the man who was with him. He was grateful, but he knew better than to keep himself involved with other people. Instead of saying a thank you, or explaining to the man that he didn't intend to jump, or to tell him that his shout frightened him, he makes his way down to his class, acting like he never met the man at all.

 

 

  
Kwon Soonyoung stood there in all his beauty. The man stood in front of a vending machine, staring at the can of coffee in his hand. He didn't have the same blond hair before, but he isn't one bit uglier than Jihoon remembered. This beautiful sight was slowly taking his breath away, it triggered his anxiety, but Jihoon always wanted to die; he always wanted to die, so maybe slowly killing himself by looking at the only man he loved isn't a bad idea. Maybe if he stared at him longer, the pain in his heart and his anxiety attack would literally take his breath away.

 

 

  
He didn't when or how it came to be, but Soonyoung just popped in his life and destroyed the walls he has been building all his life. Jihoon thought he knew better, but Soonyoung eventually knew him better than how he knew himself. Soonyoung fell for Jihoon, and how he would give small gestures of kindness to people he barely knew.

Jihoon likes to think he knows better than to keep himself attached with Soonyoung, but he did it anyway. Jihoon always kept himself intact, well composed. His mind was always filled with thoughts and those tiny voices that tells him he shouldn't be friends with Soonyoung because he doesn't deserve it. He always had this doubts on why the young Soonyoung would befriend him, but every time Soonyoung is there, his reasoning (that he's very proud of) malfunctions, as if a wire in his head short circuits.

Jihoon took pride in his judgements and reasoning, but when Soonyoung asked him out, he couldn't keep his principles. He knew better than to do commitments, but he did anyway.

(At the back of his mind, this small voice kept insisting that maybe, just maybe, Jihoon could be loved too; but another small voice kept him grounded, made him brace himself, because the faster one falls, the harder the impact.)

 

 

 

Jihoon just stood there. He watched as Soonyoung occupied the bench beside the vending machine. Jihoon's mind was filled with voices, but even in such state, he came to admire how Soonyoung looked well and alive. A perfect contrast of how he is -- of how he believes he is. A smile started to make its way on Soonyoung's plump lips, and Jihoon's breaths were getting more uneven by the second. A bitter smile crept on Jihoon's face as he remembers a similar scenario.

 

 

  
The young Jihoon excuses himself and leaves his classroom after a teacher shouted at him. His ears are ringing, the voices battling inside his head. He isn't sure where he is now, but when he was pretty sure that no one is around, he fell on his butt as he clutched on his shirt once again.

He closes his eyes and tries to calm himself. He was too focused on taming his thoughts that he didn't even notice someone sitting beside him. He felt someone touched his hand, so he opens his eyes and pries his hands away from the man. More tears fell from Jihoon's eyes, and Soonyoung reaches for his face to wipe those tears away. He envelopes Jihoon in a hug and tells Jihoon to count to the beat of his heart.

Jihoon doesn't know why, but the voices in his head slowly faded, and all he could hear was the steady thumping of Soonyoung's heart, and all he could feel was Soonyoung's warmth.

 

 

 

_Five more minutes,_ Jihoon tells himself. His mind was telling him to leave, but he wants to go to the man and hug him tight. He was fighting the urge because doing so can drag Soonyoung in his life, he didn't want Soonyoung to be burdened by his never ending thoughts. One part of him was also scared that Soonyoung might push him away, that maybe he found someone new. He doesn't know how to react, so he stood in place as he admired the sight of the only man he'll ever love.

 

 

 

Soonyoung goes to school, happy for he'll get to see Jihoon once again, or so he thought. He opens his locker, and he was shook beyond words.

  
Jihoon cries as he wrote the words, _I'm broken beyond repair, Soonyoung. Still, thank you for putting up with me and my ceaseless thoughts. I love you._

  
Soonyoung wished Jihoon didn't left, _but he already did._

 

 

Jihoon has always loved the thought of dying, but he remembered Soonyoung and those beautiful smiles, and suddenly he feels like he wants to live some more. He stares at Soonyoung, another bitter smile appears on his face. Soonyoung held him close whenever Jihoon had his anxiety attacks, Soonyoung was once Jihoon's, but it was all in the past, not today. He can't just pop up back in Soonyoung's life like how Soonyoung appeared in his years ago in this school. He can't have the same pair of strong arms to hug him, or for that calm voice to soothe his troubled mind.

It was all in the past. Still, he was thankful that Soonyoung taught him how to live, how to be happy. Soonyoung smiles even wider, and suddenly, the voices quiet down. He came to the realization that things are not the same anymore, but Soonyoung's smile still had that effect on him. It calmed him down.

Jihoon was on the brink of pushing himself to go to his love, but a man approaches Soonyoung. As soon as Jihoon saw how Soonyoung smiled with such crescent eyes, his hands form a fist. ' _I used to depend on you whenever I'm having a hard time, but today is not one of those days.'_

Jihoon's anxiety attack dies down, he takes a step back. He looked at the man one last time and smiles before he turns his heel and walks on the opposite direction, making his way out of the gym.

Jihoon left, but he swore to return. He just needs time to try to fix himself. Maybe by then, he'll be deserving even just for Soonyoung's friendship. And if by that time, Soonyoung loved him still, maybe they could fix this too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Soonyoung looked up from the bench and he saw his friend. His friend speaks.

" _Still thinking about your love?"_

Soonyoung couldn't help but smile. His gaze shifts unto the can of coffee that rested on his palm. His friend gave him a light pat on the shoulder and made returned to one of the dance rooms inside the gym.

Soonyoung drinks the last bit of coffee and he stands up. He looks at the can and was amazed at how much its look and packaging changed throughout the years. He took a deep breath and smiled. He looks at the can one last time before the threw it in the bin.

 

(Soonyoung never liked coffee, but he came to love it when he entered this particular fairy's life. He doesn't like the taste of it, he isn't a fan of bitter stuff, but he wanted to understand why Jihoon loved it. When Jihoon left, he tried to find him. He did found him, but he realized why Jihoon did left. Jihoon wanted to try to fix himself, and Soonyoung understands. Jihoon knew how much he wanted to be a teacher, so he decided to teach in this school. 'Jihoon will easily find me here,' he tells himself. He just needs to wait, and if Jihoon loved him still, maybe they'd go back to how they used to be. They'd be more mature, more understanding, and maybe more in love with each other, but maybe today is not that day.)

 

_'Jihoon's lips tasted like freshly brewed coffee, one that kept me hyped and awake for hours.'_

  
_Soonyoung longed for Jihoon, but he thinks he'll have to settle with coffee for now._

**Author's Note:**

> I still don't know what tags to use, but yea
> 
> This work is not proofread, yaz I'm so lazy, I know you people deserve better than some half-assed fic like this, but this is all I could manage. Forgive me TT-TT
> 
> I hope you liked it!


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